Oct 30:

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, Very Bad Week. First, I went to work on Monday, and was feeling okay, but as the day went on the scratch in my throat became more and more pronounced, and the temperature seemed cooler, and cooler, as - by 11am - my head began to throb. What was up with my arms and legs? Are they aching? And the squirrel in my stomach - when the hell was he going to get off that wheel, and stop running around, and around, squeaking, and squirming... I told my boss I should probably go home, and headed home on the bus as I shivered from chills... and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, Very Bad Week.

Monday night, there were obvious signs of fever. Theraflu does nothing for me except make me sleepy, and lethargic. Tylenol seems to cut the fever, and pain, but keeping track of 4 hour intervals when you can't think straight is a tough proposition. I tried to focus on watching old movies - the ones I hadn't had time to get to at any other time. I watched Harold Lloyd, and Mae West, and W.C. Fields, and D.W. Griffith. And Murnau... WOW!!! Rhymes with Murnau!!! He died at 42, but not before making some of the greatest - albiet SILENT - films in the history of cinema. I liked Nosferatu, and really loved Sunrise, but then saw "The Last Laugh" (the last 'Man' in German), and The Docks of New York, and the Battle of San Piedro... and Day For Night, and by the time the marathon was over, I was exhausted... the end of Tuesday.

Wednesday morning... four o'clock in the morning... I found myself awake, and wondering why I was awake, until I realized the sheets were drenched... yet I didn't exactly feel... bad... any longer. I felt... was this what it felt like to feel... well? Isn't the Swine Flu supposed to last 5 days? Here, I had suffered for only 3 days - really 2-1/2 - and now... had the fever... broken?

When I woke up again, it was sometime before eight, and after toileting the dog, and making tea... it was clear... the fever was gone... chills: a cloudy memory... aches: history. I watched The Tin Drum, and The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp on Wednesday. Colonel Blimp is England's equivalent of "Gone With The Wind", and a great film by the Powell & Pressman team that also brought us "The Red Shoes" - a film brought to light by The Criterion Collection.

Thursday, was my first day back at work, and a day when the 'Big Boss' came out from headquarters to talk to the plebes. Dress code for the day: Absolutely NO JEANS. For me, this means 'wear a power suit'. The talk... Business: going well, we're making our marks, and raises and bonus goals are on-track - the same thing said at a similar pep talk exactly a year ago - and 3 months after, it was announced there would be no raises, no bonuses... (even though the goals were met THEN) So is there credibility in these announcements? Uh... None. So many eyes rolled in the room, I thought the ground was undulating.

Friday, Halloween. 'Big Boss' still in town. Dress code: (what? again?!) No annual Halloween Costumes. No Jeans. For me, this meant 'wear the Dwight Shrute suit'. Got more good work done Friday than Thursday. Friday night, Halloween Dance at Magnuson Park.

WORST THING OF THE WEEK!

Picture a sock-hop / dance at your high school... when you were new to the school. Better yet... picture going to a high school dance... at a high school you never attended. You know NO ONE. Most of them are older than you - the Dreaded BABY BOOMERS! They're shuffling to the same songs they danced to in the late 70's. (Oh, if only I'd followed up on those dance lessons!) But would it have helped? I'm not sure. Awkward - that's the word of the day. So I wandered up into the bleachers to get an overhead view of the dance / gymnasium floor.
Note to self: The Dwight Shrute suit might work as an under-the-radar Halloween costume at The Office, but Dwight is NOT the type of character one wants to exude in a Dating / Dancing situation.
Captain Jack Sparrow, or the 'tattoo armed biker' would have been better. But the pompadour rocker wig and black leather jacket were at home... 15 miles away. Awkward. This was EXACTLY why I became the D.J. at the front of the dance floor when still in High School - I couldn't stand being so... out of place. Then at least I could pick the music, and dance on my own behind the turntables. I was asked to dance by a woman dressed as a... NUN. She was in her 60's!! AWKWARD!! I said I wasn't ready. Then I was pulled out on the floor by a large chested woman with short hair, who was a very good dancer, but who's chest was so large, just putting my arm around her to dance uncomfortably intruded into her private mammary zones. AWKWARD!!!!

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night. Tomorrow night, I've been invited to a Halloween party at the home of my sons. AWKWARD!!!!! What do *I* have in common with a bunch of teenage high school students?! Where's the Sgt. Pepper Band costume when you need it? Oh... packed away with the rest of the stuff when the house was put back on the market. But I can't think about that right now... Fiddle de dee. After All: Tomorrow Is Another Day.

Oct. 25:

It's been an interesting couple of days. Thursday night, I went to a speed dating event in Kirkland benefiting the Leukemia/Lymphoma society. It was my first exposure to speed dating, and it was much less structured, and 'interview like' than I had expected. By the end of the night, I'd had 5 minute 'dates' with 10 different women, and marked 3 of them as 'yes, I'd like to know more'... and in marking those, I felt as if I was being generous, and flexible - no one met even 50% of my criteria... but I was trying to be flexible. All in all, it was... interesting, and something I might consider doing again. The only downside to the evening was that my 'wingman' (Joy) was unable to join the speed-dating part of the night, as there was a shortage of men. Still... she got a chance to speak with several men in the restaurant/bar while the speed-dating part of the evening was going on, and she really did seem disappointed - but only in the number of men who showed up.

This weekend, I spent with my sons - as much as possible. During soccer season, that means Friday night at my house watching a movie, or playing XBox (or both). Saturday morning, two of the boys have games in Bellevue, so we rush across to game one, drop off 1 player, then head across Bellevue to game 2, and drop off player 2. Then it's back across Bellevue to game 1 to catch the end of the game, and pick up layer 1, and drive thru Bellevue once again to return to game two, and pick up player 2... (whew!)

Once that's over, we return home, and hang out watching college football, and movies until late at night. Oh... until we got word that one son had a birthday party to attend... in Redmond... at 7pm Saturday. So it's out to Tar-jay for a gift, then over to Redmond (and back).

Later Saturday night, I got a phone call from Joy... Friday, she had developed symptoms consistent with... H1N1 Swine flu. Yikes!!! I asked her how she felt, and she was feeling terrible - fever, headache, stomach cramps, aches, etc. So some quick internet searches brought up the CDC's website, and the data there shows a 1-4 day 'gestation period' before symptoms appear. Now I've been exposed - although only through hand to hand contact - there was neither hug nor kiss... that's something Joy doesn't "do" not even with her teenage son. But I *was* in the car with her for 30 minutes going to and from Kirkland... would that be enough exposure? Did she cough, or sneeze at all (not that I recall)...

Sunday morning. I thought better of the 'exposure' issue, and called the boys' mother, and let her know that I'd been exposed to someone with swine flu. She wanted to come pick up the boys right away, and she did. Only, in their rush to get back to Bellevue, son #3 left HIS soccer equipment in my car, and HIS game was scheduled for SUNDAY at 1:15pm... plus, player #1's gear was still in a heap in the laundry room, and NOT in his gym bag (which was on it's way back to Bellevue). This meant another trip across to Bellevue to drop off gear. This time Kayla wanted to come along for the ride, so she stuck her nose out the window most of the way, and was very happy by the time we returned home an hour later.

Next, I got the e-mail results of the speed dating on Thursday. Results? There were no 'matches' - none of the 3 women I marked as potential dates marked *me* as a potential date. So what was up with that 'Li', and her twirling her hair the entire time we talked? I thought at least SHE would mark 'yes'... I wasn't going to mark 'yes' next to her at all, except that I saw that, and was amazed at the 'yes, yes' body language presented by that flicking of the hair.

So, I'm considering dressing as a monk for Halloween... mostly to get accustomed to the outfit, as it seems I may have to get accustomed to wearing one of those... what is it exactly... a brown mumu? Or is it like the medieval 'snuggly'? But the tonsure... (that shaved circle in the crown of the head) I have to draw the line at that - NO tonsure for me, thanks.

But the question remains: How long have I been unknowingly driving the anti-weinermobile?

[Oh... and the H1N1 symptoms? So far: Nothing definitive. That squirrel in my stomach might have been from not eating lunch, and only eating dry Top Ramen noodles (again)... I'll keep my distance at work, and keep an eye on my overall-feel-good quotient.]

Oct 16:

Unconventional Conventionists.

So, I'm at a local two day convention. It's not a 'Sons of the Dessert', or science fiction, fantasy, or political. It's not even one of those conventions where you get to wear fezzes and give weird, convoluted handshakes, and dance all night with women you barely know. And most attendees are in their twilight years - I'd say less than 10% are under 50.

And today will be spent mostly talking about budgets, and how tight the economy is, and how a community of faith can (and must) respond in difficult economic times. The irony is that the hotel is a $100+/room/night hotel, and yet we'll spend most of the day talking about economic scarcity. It's easy to take the 'scarcity' mindset, as in: "Money is tight, and there is none around", but I know different. There is a SEA of money out there just waiting to be put to use. But convincing people to pull the money out of their mattresses, and make it work for themselves, and the community is the hard part. And if I knew how to get people to do that, then "Making Your Mark" (a documentary I'm producing) wouldn't be struggling for money - instead, we'd be in the running at Sundance in January. Oh well, San Diego Film Festival will have to do...

Cleaning the car...

[The passenger compartment, at least. I'm saving the trunk for the next time I'm near a dumpster.] When cleaning out my car, I'm usually pretty sure what I'll find in the front passenger floorboard - trash, empty coffee cups, and junk mail that hasn't yet made it to the recycling bin. Friends have joked about the stuff in my front floorboard, and it even made it into a scene in "Zombie Nerds From Outer Space" when Bob complains to Larry that he: "Can't even sit down until I take out the trash". Larry replies, "Most of that stuff is going to recycling. *I'M* saving the planet". Bob holds up a CoffeeHaven cup, and says, "And I suppose this is going back to the Coffee House? hmmmph... P.C. Garbage".

So most of the stuff in the passenger side went to the recycling bin. But the backseat... that's where even *I* fear to tread. It's the combination of 3 boys, and limited time with their father that really contributes to the collection of junk back there. I asked last night if they had seen a new tennis ball back there for Kayla (my canine 'daughter'), and they said, "oh, no", and were correct. There wasn't *A* tennis ball back there... there were *TWO* brand new, un-sullied/un-slobbered spheroidal neon-yellow-squirrels-without-the-fluffy-tail-that-fit-in-the-ChuckIt(tm). I didn't find some of the paperwork I was looking for, but that's okay - it was evidently recycled at some point. I'll fore-go mentions of the desiccated french fries, and half-full soda cups... but it's funny to me that neither of these 'food' items grows any 'life' (culture, mold, etc.) no matter how long my back-floorboard science project is left to ferment. Fortunately, for now - the lab is again unsullied, uncluttered, unadulterated, underwhelming and I like it that way.

Playing a euphonium (am I *really* going to admit that here...) limits my trunk space. Yes, I'm a musician in addition to everything else, but not one of those 'smokes & drinks too much' musical types. I play an instrument that either fits well as a solo instrument, or with a wind ensemble/orchestra, and almost nowhere in between. And there isn't much call for a euphonium - even when it was mentioned in "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium", it was used as a euphemism (really!) to show the depth of whimsicality embodied by Dustin Hoffman's character. I'm scheduled to play at the Hilton in Vancouver, WA this weekend, and the depth of the sonorous tone is well suited to the occasion.

Oct 14:

From an old, dear friend on FaceBook:
"Well, you do have a more interesting life than the rest of us. But why do you dislike on-line dating? Your blog makes it sound fun!"

Because it mostly involves sitting at home... ALONE... staring at a computer screen... 'grazing' through the photos of women... and trying to see if the one's you like *visually* (we are such visual creatures) have something in their profile that in some way matches with your 'criteria'.

But it's the 'sitting at home alone staring at a screen' that gets me. I stare at a computer screen ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, and it's the LAST thing I want to do in my spare time. I'd rather GET OUT THERE, and try new things.

So I go to Meetup.com events, and concentrate on having a great time, doing new things, or fun things or DIFFERENT things (viva la difference!) and meeting new and fascinating women as a fringe benefit. I've met some new people, but only 3 in the past summer that have wowed me.

One - I'll call her (hmmm... a collocation of lexical synonyms... AH!) - Meander - is on the right-side of the IQ bell curve... out in the 'tail end of the last percentile' as I like to call it - which I *LIKE* ;-) she's not a redhead, even though "Redheads are my weakness". I also met Sunny through meetup that I like, she's from Georgia, but I have no idea how old she is, (and it doesn't really matter that much - and only spoke with her once. And there's Joy, more of a Wingwoman than a serious love interest - mostly because she's not ready for a serious love interest. Her divorce was final VERY RECENTLY, and she's still feeling out her newfound freedom. I met her ex at an event, and guessed that he was her ex (correctly)... and I actually LIKE the guy... no, not in that way - I'm just not wired that way - even though some people think it's "hip to be gay" - come on, folks... for most people, it's a hardwired thing. For others, it's a seeking out of other 'loving people', and they happen to find a same-sexed-soul who is more love giving than the opposing gendered people in their lives.

Finally (whew!), I referenced the May 30th post where I summed up my feelings on on-line dating. Or was it sometime after that when I discovered the dichotomy in the oxymoron "On-line" (computer, alone, at home) "Dating" (in-person, with someone else, usually not at home).

- - - - - - - - - -

This afternoon, as I got off the bus, the autumn breeze wafted some stray fallen leaves past the curb. Just as I stepped off, I smelled that WONDERFUL smell of positive ions, or drying pavement just after a rain storm, or 'after the boys of summer have gone', with a hint of sea salt off Puget sound. Stir, simmer, and drink with two queen olives on a swizzle stick.

My oldest son LOVES the smell just after a rainstorm, and he's convinced he could make a fortune if he could only figure out a way to bottle that smell, and sell it as a cologne, or perfume. Yep... he's my son alright.

I've been worried all afternoon about the wife of a dear friend who underwent surgery today for a benign growth on her ovaries. The prognosis is good, but that doesn't make the surgery any less daunting. So I've been praying for her and the family, and trying to align the positive forces in the universe to help smooth her recovery (yes, Noetic science).

I'm not sure what's on tap film-wise tonight. Last night was "Return of the Secacus 7", and I was underwhelmed. Oh, the performances were good, and the production values were nil... my kind of independent movie... but I didn't see any true growth in the characters. None of them changed that much from the start of the film to the film's end, even though there were revelations about love, sex, money, fame... the usual. It was CLEARLY the model for "The Big Chill" a few years later, and the latter film had that great soundtrack which Secacus 7 lacked.

TMIFN

Oct. 13:

My whole approach to being a single adult is working from a mindset of 'plenty' rather than of scarcity. Activities abound here - so many people are looking for things to do, that there's always a Salsa class, or kayak paddle, or 'movie night' around.

Mid-day, I try to get out and about in Pioneer Square. It always amazes me that tourists' have NO IDEA that Seattle's buses are FREE downtown until 7pm daily. So you see them hoofing it for blocks, and blocks with maps out, seeking something all the way across town... Bruce Lee's grave on Capital Hill no doubt... NOT a place *I've* personally visited, thanks... too creepy .

My post here "You Are What You Drive" with the picture of the Weinermobile has made the rounds on Google, and generated lots of hits. Hope you're enjoying the ride. Mustard, anyone? ;?>

I've been seeing more of the 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die (from the book of the same name). Oh, I'm not going to slog through the whole list one-at-a-time, but WILL use the list to fill in the NetFlix queue now that it's flagging. I've been PLEASANTLY SURPRISED at the films I've seen recently. Last night, it was "Trouble In Paradise" (1932) - a 'pre-code' film directed by the German director who contributed the 'Hollywood look' to films - Ernst Lubitsch - a director I hadn't really (gulp!) heard of until this film. It was GREAT! Intelligent, witty, and didn't pander. It begs the question: what happened between 1932 and today? Why is there such a low-bar on Hollywood film today, appealing to the lowest of the low common denominator. It was a fun romp, and although the main characters were thieves, you never see them actually *steal* anything. Only the result after the thievery... Highly recommended.

Oct. 11:

So... I've been getting various 'Facebook' requests from people for quite a while now, and today I finally broke down and created a page there. It's not even 24 hours old, and it's already collecting cobwebs.

Or as one of my more respected, and astute friends put it: "Welcome to the 20th Century".

Well said....

Date Off:

I had this idea for a 'different kind' of on-line dating website - it would be a way for a person who's dating people to do more than 'Scout' for potential partners. On-line Dating services (Match.com, PlentyOfFish, OkCupid, etc) have the 'scouting' part down to a [pseudo] science.

But while the 'Scouting' is straight forward, the same websites don't make the 'Sorting' easy. How do you create a personal ranking of the people you've scouted online, and make them COMPETE for the prize: YOU?

My thought would be to use a sweet-sixteen-like "tournament" grid (play-off bracket) where you sort those scouted from the website into one-on-one 'Date Off' ranks. Drag-and-drop them into picture frames pairing them up against each other.

Review the profiles of that first row - the 16 - 'Screen' their profiles against each other. From what they've written, pick one profile over the other, and move the 2nd place profile into a slot in the top row of the 'runner-up' bracket. Leave the runner-up bracket for a while, and focus on the top 8 from this first 'Screen'.

This way your potential dates are competing against each other for your affection, you're being the Chooser, and selecting which person moves to the next level. In the 2nd row, you should now have 8 people to contact. Send each of them an e-mail, and tell them you like their profile, and would like to meet in person over coffee/lunch to see if there's mutual interest. Candi-dates (candidates ;?> ) will self-select out at this point by not responding, OR by agreeing to meet.

Set up an in-person meeting with everyone who responds, and use that coffee-date to get a reading on YOUR level of interest in THEM. Rate the interest level as Low, Medium, or High. Likewise, get a reading on THEIR interest in YOU - Low, Medium or High. How can you tell if they're interested? They're looking in your eyes, and listening when you speak, talking the same amount as you, and 'engaged' in the conversation. But if they're scanning the room, distracted by the big-screen tv, or checking their cell phone, interest is LOW... but don't worry: there are 8 more where the first date off candi-dates came from.

TAKE NOTES! Be sure and include your best guess at interest level, and move the higher interest person into the Winners Circle bracket. If more than one person ends up in the winner's circle, you have multiple dinner / waterfront dates to make.

Take the final 2-to-4 people out to dinner somewhere close to a walking path, waterfront, or park. After dinner, get out and explore the area together. Do NOT be tempted to pay ten-bucks for the right to Sit next to them, but be UNABLE to speak for 2 hours... in a dark room... (i.e. NO MOVIES ON FIRST DATES!) Instead, explore new shop windows, or wander through the park, or re-discover an area you enjoy. The key is to explore TOGETHER, and learn about each other in the process.

When you get home, follow up with an email, or text thanking them for a great evening. Take notes! What about this person most resonates with you, and meets your 'criteria'?

You DO have a set of criteria... what you're looking for... RIGHT?!?! Be Careful - you'll get what you're looking for. If you're not sure what you're looking for, you'll find it. Something so unsure you won't be sure when you've not sort-of kind-of found something close to it... him... her... them[?]... maybe.

If you get through the entire first bracket, and have time left over, review the runner-up bracket. Follow the same plan: Email (8), Coffee (4), Date (2). Eventually, you'll have a short-list. Date the one(s) who best match(es) your partner criteria. [Then ask her if she's got a girlfriend for me! Seriously! You should 'Scout' and 'Sort' for your friends because YOU know what YOUR FRIEND's want almost as much as they do].

And most importantly... Be Happy! Only YOU can make yourself happy. Have Fun Out There!

Oct. 7:

I'm not one to kiss and tell... not that there's been a lot to TELL about ;?> So, if you see me mention someone by name, you can assume it's a nom-de-plume. You know... a movie with Joy, tea with Sunny. Imagine my delight at meeting Sunny at a Meetup event that I almost didn't show up for. And after showing up, I was on the way out the door when Sunny showed up, and the rather crowded, dark bar on 4th Ave at Spring street seemed to fill with light, and life. I could tell there was something behind those smiling eyes that demanded further exploration. Tea at Zeitgeist provided the opportunity. We met after work recently, and almost an hour flew by! And I'm left wanting to know more... and that's not very typical. I can only hope the feeling is mutual.

- - - - - - - -

American Splendor has been one of those movies in my NetFlix queue for quite a while. I'm not sure why I added it - but now I've added it to my list of best-films ever. It joins 'Music Within', 'Beach Party', 'Groundhog Day', 'The New Interns', 'Little Children', and others...

American Splendor is the story of Harvey Pekar, and his life as 'Joe Average' file clerk with the Veteran's Administration in Cleveland, Ohio. It started as a comic book series created by Harvey, and a series of artists (starting with Crumb, who has a movie of his own... but that's another topic). Paul Giamatti's take on Harvey Pekar was fabulous - perennially rumpled, always messy, and a neurotic collector with obsessive compulsive disorder. The film character's movements between the film world, and the quasi real-world including the real Harvey Pekar in a stylized all-white file cabinet room, and a comic book-like world of blank white paper walls with stark horizon lines depending alternately the floor, and the 'frame' of a comic panel.

But what really hooked me was a simple scene when Giamatti was answering a letter from a neurotic comic-book store clerk in Baltimore - she was asking for a copy of the latest issue of the "American Splendor" comic, when it became clear that their neuroses'es (???) were going to be compatible. I laughed out loud, and realized that yes... there's a woman out there for Harvey Pekar. And if there's a RGW (really great woman) for a slovenly, sloppy guy like Harvey, then there MUST be someone out there who's just right for ME.

But does this mean I need to hone the ying/yang of my neurosis's to a potential partner's neurotic tendencies?

Oct. 6:

Okay, OK. I gave up. The weather, and the need to dig out the early winter coat was all the convincing I needed. Summer is over, and the leaves are turning, and it's a great time to be alive, and experience the change of seasons. And yes, I'm happy about it.

On another topic...

I was recently asked why any discussions about my divorce seemed to revolve around the financial fallout of that process. Why haven't I covered the emotional side of my divorce...

In my Online Dating blog? Seriously?!?!

From one perspective, you could see where this isn't likely to be a topic I'd like to discuss on a coffee-date (or even a sit-down-dinner-and-movie-date for that matter). So why would it be reasonable to cover in a blog?

Hmmmm... Turn that thought on it's head, and you could see where the blog should be THE ONLY place to cover the emotional black hole that was my divorce exactly because I'm NOT likely to cover it on a date, nor do I think a potentially 'Really Great Woman' [from my on-line dating mission statement "Really Great Guy Seeks Really Great Woman"] would want to spend face-time discussing my divorce.

Marriage counseling turned out to be a marital 'Performance Improvement Plan' (or PIP). A PIP is one of those personnel 'programs' in the 'manager toolbox' for giving flagging employees a 'wake-up call' to either shape up, or ship out. Just as the PIP at work which I experienced 'back in the day' was a 'personal hell' for me that turned into an emotional black hole - an inner circle of purgatory where (and when) I became unsure whether my technical career and life's work was valid, or if my life was worth less than the spittle on the gum on the bottom of God's shoe. So was my divorce a 'wake-up-call' to realize that my emotional life, happiness and well being IS MINE, and I have a right to not only be the breadwinner in my household, but also deserve to attempt to enjoy LIFE while at the process of being the breadwinner, head of household, et.al. while I'm on about it.

Just as the PIP was a workaholic nightmare of 90 hour weeks for 3 months until I was SURE I was doing what my manager wanted. The next months were spent trying to decipher what of all the extra things I was doing could be cut from my work schedule. "Lead, follow, or get out of my way" was the only advice my manager gave at that time. So I dutifully followed, every accomplishment of mine was put on my manager's "accomplishment" list for their performance review, and in the process I made myself indispensable to the team. Then as quickly as I could, I transferred to another business unit in the company where I would never have to make that particular manager 'look good' again.

From that experience, I learned a great deal. I learned never to take the work 'personally' again. I am NOT my work, and if others criticize my work, they're not criticizing me or my abilities, but only the performance of the specific tasks at hand. The bad part of that is... it's easier to tear something (or someone) down than it is to build them up. One can always find faults with the performance of others - it's the unintended consequence of management training. Have I had to do it? Oh yeah. Do I enjoy it? I'd ALWAYS rather help an employee BUILD their career, but it's often just as important to demonstrate to an employee that they're in the wrong career for their skillset. So when I DO have to find fault with someone, I try to do so in a constructive, holistic way.

But "The Anger" - a more than tangible, an almost sentient thing - I was experiencing at home... "The Anger" with me always 'the target'; me as focus of - an irrational, viscous acrimony over random, unexplainable trivia. Anything and everything was a potential new subject for unrequited belligerence. THAT was ultimately what did the marriage in. I could no longer force myself into the cross-hairs of that "stream of animosity". But in removing myself as the focus of "the anger", my biggest concern (to this day) is that my sons might now be the target of that malice.

So was marriage counseling a 'wake-up call' - if it did nothing else, it brought "The Anger" into the spotlight - and it quickly became clear that the marriage was broken. So I no longer question my abilities as a husband and a father. I was only half the problem at best (and probably much less than half the problem). My spouse's problems with alcohol and undiagnosed depression combined with my attempts to be 'Mr. Fix It', and solve all problems whatever the cause, cost in terms of money, time, attention, and pie-pieces of my soul sacrificed to the emotional black hole that was my so-called-marriage, presented an insurmountable wall of emotional baggage which defied even the most valiant attempts at rational solution.

About the booze... It was a battle I did NOT want to fight, so I bit my tongue, and made sure it never came up in the divorce discussions. I did NOT want to go there. I did NOT want to deal with the denials and the new dimension of emotional hell that discussion would have opened.

Instead, I focused on winning a battle that was a win-win - to win the battle of selling the 'big house' that's too large for a single-parent. Explaining how everyone would be better off - and support $$ available to be spent on things like the children, food, etc rather than going straight to a too-large mortgage - all by simply selling the 'big house', and using the built up equity to purchase two smaller houses paid-for-in-cash. I picked the battle I *thought* I could rationally win - but in the end, I didn't even win that one. Yes, I'm still paying two mortgages, and neither household has any cash for incidental expenses.

It would have been impossible to win the 'You're an alcoholic and need to come to terms with it' battle. *THAT* problem was Not *MY* "River In Egypt" (i.e. 'Not My De Nile'). Not *MY* Addiction. Not *MY* Intervention.

Instead, I've spent my Carma allotment for the past 3 years collecting, and rebuilding the remaining shards of my soul that haven't been sucked into the emotional black holes to-date, and built a life for myself, and my sons that is showing signs of something like an "all around good". I'm willing to open up again, and share my happiness with someone else. Right now, my sons, and dog Kayla are the focus of much of my joy. Yet I find there's joy left over.

Love and happiness are a funny combination that way. The more you make, the more there is to spread around to (and with) others.

Aug 53rd:

Yesterday, I decided I wasn't yet ready to send the summer of 2009 off to the history books, so I donned a tasteful (yes, they exist) Hawaiian shirt, a sting of hooka shells (so much for 'taste', eh?), and set off for one more day of summer.

As I was trying to explain to the incredulous checker at PCC that summer wasn't over - and 'it's a state of mind thing', she said, "Yes, this is a great September". I shot back... 'Oh NO! We're still in August-thank-you-very-much'. She said, "Then it must be August 52nd".

Tonight, there's a beach bonfire scheduled at Golden Gardens park - I'm planning on bundling up, because I think someone left their air conditioner on, and their door open wide. Silly energy wasters! Will I make the Northwest Tea festival at Seattle Center? The jury is still out... ;?>

I left a movie suggestion for a fellow filmmaker friend today - my current favorite film "Music Within"... here's what I wrote there...

Just added 'Requiem For a Dream (2000)' to my NetFlix queue - thanks for the suggestion.

Here's one for you: "Music Within (2007)". A bio-pic covering the life of Richard Pimental where great performances on a shoe-string budget prevail. Yet the Hollywood marketing machine had no idea how to promote this film so it flopped badly. When even the DVD box looks like a cross between a shameless romcom rip off (i.e. "The Holiday") and a feel-good holiday movie (i.e. "The Family Stone"), one begins to see why no-one got the opportunity to 'Get This One'. Hardly anyone saw it, much less 'got' it.

The film doesn't cover the protesters ditching wheelchairs at the base of the US Capital Building steps, and crawling up to the entrance, but an unexpected slice-of-life film where things never turn out exactly as we might hope... sounds like life to me.

Oct 2:

Has it really been a WEEK since I posted here?! Wow... time flies like an arrow! (Fruit Flys like a banana) ;?>

Last night, I went to a downtown happy hour at Sazerac - I had a cosmo, and nibbled on the free appetizers. But the worrisome thing was the way the bill was being handled... I paid for my drink in cash because of it... the concern was they weren't accepting payment from the 25-30 people as drinks were being served, meaning the restaurant was keeping one-unified-bill. And for those drinks & happy hour menu items that weren't paid for by individuals as they came out, the event organizers would get stuck with the bill at the end of the event. I'm hoping that didn't happen, but the stage was being lavishly set for such a 'final act', all the way down to the good time being had by all right up until the time I left. At some point in the evening, all the light seemed to evaporate from the room, and there was clearly no good reason to stay. I met some interesting people, but didn't go home with any phone numbers - there were no 'goals'... I just wanted to have something to do other than watch movies, or [heaven forbid] spend time on the on-line dating sites.

Speaking of on-line dating... I haven't had an email in my inbox from those sites for well over a month. No activity, and I'm not really worried about it. On the other hand, I've been having a LOT OF FUN going to Meetup events - last night's happy hour, the kayak paddles, volunteer opportunities, revitalizing Denny and Cascade parks. That was great. And my glut is healing nicely - it's at the point where there's no frank pain, just a dull ache when stretched to certain positions. Now I can move on to stretching, and strengthening again (TGFT)!

I'm looking forward to a wet, and rainy weekend - it'll be nice for a change. I can make like a plant, and soak up the life-giving rain, then go in, warm up, and finish reading "The Lost Symbol", or watching something else off the '1000 Movies You Must See Before You Die' list (but I'm not blogging about that). I'd love to have someone to cuddle up with as I watch, but will not settle. If no one responds to my invitation, I'll rescue Kayla from her 'house for sale' vacation, and cuddle up with her... but that means popcorn (she LOVES popcorn). And Popcorn means I'll have to break out the bike Saturday to burn those calories. A ride in the rain? I could go for that... ;?>