Okay, OK. I gave up. The weather, and the need to dig out the early winter coat was all the convincing I needed. Summer is over, and the leaves are turning, and it's a great time to be alive, and experience the change of seasons. And yes, I'm happy about it.
On another topic...
I was recently asked why any discussions about my divorce seemed to revolve around the financial fallout of that process. Why haven't I covered the emotional side of my divorce...
In my Online Dating blog? Seriously?!?!
From one perspective, you could see where this isn't likely to be a topic I'd like to discuss on a coffee-date (or even a sit-down-dinner-and-movie-date for that matter). So why would it be reasonable to cover in a blog?
Hmmmm... Turn that thought on it's head, and you could see where the blog should be THE ONLY place to cover the emotional black hole that was my divorce exactly because I'm NOT likely to cover it on a date, nor do I think a potentially 'Really Great Woman' [from my on-line dating mission statement "Really Great Guy Seeks Really Great Woman"] would want to spend face-time discussing my divorce.
Marriage counseling turned out to be a marital 'Performance Improvement Plan' (or PIP). A PIP is one of those personnel 'programs' in the 'manager toolbox' for giving flagging employees a 'wake-up call' to either shape up, or ship out. Just as the PIP at work which I experienced 'back in the day' was a 'personal hell' for me that turned into an emotional black hole - an inner circle of purgatory where (and when) I became unsure whether my technical career and life's work was valid, or if my life was worth less than the spittle on the gum on the bottom of God's shoe. So was my divorce a 'wake-up-call' to realize that my emotional life, happiness and well being IS MINE, and I have a right to not only be the breadwinner in my household, but also deserve to attempt to enjoy LIFE while at the process of being the breadwinner, head of household, et.al. while I'm on about it.
Just as the PIP was a workaholic nightmare of 90 hour weeks for 3 months until I was SURE I was doing what my manager wanted. The next months were spent trying to decipher what of all the extra things I was doing could be cut from my work schedule. "Lead, follow, or get out of my way" was the only advice my manager gave at that time. So I dutifully followed, every accomplishment of mine was put on my manager's "accomplishment" list for their performance review, and in the process I made myself indispensable to the team. Then as quickly as I could, I transferred to another business unit in the company where I would never have to make that particular manager 'look good' again.
From that experience, I learned a great deal. I learned never to take the work 'personally' again. I am NOT my work, and if others criticize my work, they're not criticizing me or my abilities, but only the performance of the specific tasks at hand. The bad part of that is... it's easier to tear something (or someone) down than it is to build them up. One can always find faults with the performance of others - it's the unintended consequence of management training. Have I had to do it? Oh yeah. Do I enjoy it? I'd ALWAYS rather help an employee BUILD their career, but it's often just as important to demonstrate to an employee that they're in the wrong career for their skillset. So when I DO have to find fault with someone, I try to do so in a constructive, holistic way.
But "The Anger" - a more than tangible, an almost sentient thing - I was experiencing at home... "The Anger" with me always 'the target'; me as focus of - an irrational, viscous acrimony over random, unexplainable trivia. Anything and everything was a potential new subject for unrequited belligerence. THAT was ultimately what did the marriage in. I could no longer force myself into the cross-hairs of that "stream of animosity". But in removing myself as the focus of "the anger", my biggest concern (to this day) is that my sons might now be the target of that malice.
So was marriage counseling a 'wake-up call' - if it did nothing else, it brought "The Anger" into the spotlight - and it quickly became clear that the marriage was broken. So I no longer question my abilities as a husband and a father. I was only half the problem at best (and probably much less than half the problem). My spouse's problems with alcohol and undiagnosed depression combined with my attempts to be 'Mr. Fix It', and solve all problems whatever the cause, cost in terms of money, time, attention, and pie-pieces of my soul sacrificed to the emotional black hole that was my so-called-marriage, presented an insurmountable wall of emotional baggage which defied even the most valiant attempts at rational solution.
About the booze... It was a battle I did NOT want to fight, so I bit my tongue, and made sure it never came up in the divorce discussions. I did NOT want to go there. I did NOT want to deal with the denials and the new dimension of emotional hell that discussion would have opened.
Instead, I focused on winning a battle that was a win-win - to win the battle of selling the 'big house' that's too large for a single-parent. Explaining how everyone would be better off - and support $$ available to be spent on things like the children, food, etc rather than going straight to a too-large mortgage - all by simply selling the 'big house', and using the built up equity to purchase two smaller houses paid-for-in-cash. I picked the battle I
*thought* I could rationally win - but in the end, I didn't even win that one. Yes, I'm still paying two mortgages, and neither household has any cash for incidental expenses.
It would have been impossible to win the 'You're an alcoholic and need to come to terms with it' battle. *THAT* problem was Not *MY* "River In Egypt" (i.e. 'Not My De Nile'). Not *MY* Addiction. Not *MY* Intervention.
Instead, I've spent my Carma allotment for the past 3 years collecting, and rebuilding the remaining shards of my soul that haven't been sucked into the emotional black holes to-date, and built a life for myself, and my sons that is showing signs of something like an "all around good". I'm willing to open up again, and share my happiness with someone else. Right now, my sons, and dog Kayla are the focus of much of my joy. Yet I find there's joy left over.
Love and happiness are a funny combination that way. The more you make, the more there is to spread around to (and with) others.
